Sunday, 10 October 2010

A big fat massive negative

As the title suggests, we are very much not pregnant.

It's like a massive blow to the core of so much that we wished for.

Third attempt, third disappointment, I think we can safely say that this might be it for us with surrogacy and surrogacy dreams for a while. I'm sure it's so easy for people to say 'don't give up' or 'those who don't try fail' but so much time, energy. emotion and financial resources have gone into this it starts to impact dramatically and negatively on your relationship with the person you love the most. You spend your time dreaming rather than living, pull all your financial resources into what you wish for rather than living life to the full with each other, you fill your days with anxiety rather than freedom and you spend 90% of your life in misery looking for a glint of joy.

That joy is not meant to be for us at this point in time, and we have put life on hold for nothing so it seems...

Exhausted, disappointed, empty and nothing anyone can do or say will change that. What will be will be and so it seems what we want will not or cannot be ours at this point in time.

Time to start living life a while rather than questioning what it will not give us.


  1. So, so, so sorry to read your post.
    Take time to regroup and when you are ready, you will know.
    Negatives are never easy and most of us have had them on the path to parenthood. We had 2 and then got very lucky with the next 2.
    Regardless, I am always mindful of the reality which is this being an option at all for gay men.
    Straight couples approach surrogacy after many many many more negatives and setbacks than we do. Often, after significant sums of money spent with western doctors.
    However, India provides options and opportunity to all of us, even if it isn't always on the schedule we want.
    Negatives suck. There's no way around it.
    Let yourselves feel cheated and angry and work through the exhaustion and disappointment and see how you feel on the other side.
    Until then, we're thinking about you and keeping you in our thoughts.
    Hugs from India!

  2. Hang in there guys, do not be discouraged. Your time will come for sure....

    Take a breather....spend time together doing couple thing and enjoying it to the max!

    Then come back recharged and ready to go again.

    All the best in your journey...

  3. Sorry to read your news guys, All the best,WAM

  4. We've been there before, too. We treid three times before we finally got lucky with Griffin. And how i understand your pain and that feeling of bitter disappointment and putting your life on hold.

    And yeah, the money issue sux, too.

    But, if you take some time off, heal a little and then weigh up your options, I'm sure you'll see your way out of this, whatever course that may take.

    Lots of hugs to you both. Spoil yourselves this week.


  5. when i read your post i felt just the same as i did when we received our second negative. it's MIND BLOWING, especially considering all the good news up until this point (we were in the same situation). negatives are not what we want to hear after all the planning and traveling and hoping and of course, the money. it's also difficult because of the sharing we do online, with family, friends, etc...there's SO MUCH at stake, including our egos, and there really isn't much people can say to make it better. i remember bill and i talking soon after our two failed attempts in india and he described it as THE hardest thing he's ever had to deal with. it was torture watching the dream of how he "thought" this was going to work out die in his eyes, especially since he's an only child and REALLY wanted to have a biological connection to his kid. a year has past and we have fought, and cried, and fought and cried some more. we've moved way slower than i wanted and it made me crazy turning 45 in august knowing that we weren't fathers yet, or at least pregnant and waiting to be fathers. i still look at our photos of india with a heavy heart. it just wasn't fair. there were times i thought that our relationship wouldn't be the same. and then one day we turned a corner and here we are, trying our hearts out to get pregnant again -- albeit a completely different way -- but it's progress and we both are extremely happy with the alternate path. i guess the point of all my jibber jabber is that whatever you decide to do, this hole that these negatives have created will heal and ultimately and most importantly you have each other, and that's worth more than anything. take care guys.

    (so sorry for the long post but i really related to your statement about the toll this takes on your relationship).


  6. Hello guys,
    I am very sad for you as well as many others. We have had 3 negatives as well and honestly have thought about living rather than dreaming as well. When the time is right you'll be ready again, but only on your say your post you have expressed EXACTLY how i feel, its

    We are here for you guys when you're ready!! no worries. Take care.

  7. I read your post with a heavy heart. Sometimes there is nothing easy or fair with the pregnancy journey. The truth is that it comes down to a numbers game. If you keep trying you will most likely succeed but the emotional and financial cost is excessive. It took Brian and I 5 attempts before we finally had a surrogate successfully get pregnant and it was a drain on our relationship.

    The only positive is that you don't have to make that decision right now. I know I'm not saying anything new, I just wanted to say that there is no right or wrong choice and we do understand the pain.


  8. Hi Guys,
    Sorry to hear about your negative result. Please don't give up hope. We share your pain as it took us 5 goes before we finally got an ongoing pregnancy. We now have 3 little ones on the way. It is worthwhile pressing on if you can. Peter and Brad

  9. Hi guys, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you got a negative result. We're in a different situation, a lesbian couple who've been trying for 18 months..with 5 sucessful pregnancies all ending in miscarriage. I'm still waiting to get pregant with my 'forvever baby'. All I can say is don;t give up'll happen eventually, and you'll love that baby all the more because it too you so long to get him/her. Feel free to email us on L_Oliver at Hotmail. Co. Uk

  10. Hey guys. WE both are really bummed to hear this and hope you hang in there. Fourth time could be a charm. Really. And that could make this all worth it.

  11. Hi guys,

    I'm sorry to read about your disappointment. I appreciate that you may not be in a place to write about this anymore but if you are willing to respond to my question I would be most grateful.

    My partner and I are about to embark on the journey of surrogacy in Thailand but I have just come across some information that may be a problem. I was reading an article in the Sydney Morning Herald from April this year which stated that “Thailand's laws were changed last year to stop surrogacies for same-sex couples, although it remains legal for single males.”

    Were you aware of this? Did you proceed as a single parent? Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

    Kind regards,


  12. Hi you two

    I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to read you blog, we are a straight married couple who have had six failed attempts at IVF in the UK and two further attempts this year in Spain using a donor egg. We are just about to travel out to India to Mumbai for our first attempt with an Indian Surrogate and Host Mum so I'm doing my research. I know the last time I got a big fat negative (September) I was truly devastated and I really understand it seems to get harder the more tries you have. Just remember you only need to get lucky once and I've got friends who have succeeded after 8 plus attempts. Something is telling me you need to regroup and keep trying! Anything truly worth having is worth fighting for so please don't give up. Loving your doggies by the way!